Every household with kids has seen its share of arguments, yelling, whining and all-out temper tantrums.  It turns out that all that conflict serves an important purpose in the development of children.

Keith yells, “No, I’m not!”

Mom says, “Let’s eat our cheese first,” and Maddy says, “No!”

“Ollie, please leave it on the plate,” says Ollie’s mom, but Ollie says, “No! I’m not having it. I can’t have all this!”

Saying “no,” followed by a temper tantrum, just may be an unavoidable part of growing up.

“Running away, crying, stomping, folding the arms. Sometimes she’ll close her eyes and pretend that she’s hiding,” says one mom.

“Whining or tears or sometimes loud voices, yelling or whatever,” says another mom, Vickie Freeman.

“We start to act like a 1-year-old and cry because we don’t get what we want,” says Neal, 5.

According to a study in The Journal of Child Development, there’s a good reason for all this conflict.
 
“It’s the first break with the parents’ ideas, and they’re trying to define themselves differently from the parents. And that’s a good thing,” says Gloria Meaux, Ph.D., psychologist.

These are the first steps toward independence.  Even young children have to challenge their parents sometimes, and parents should remember what’s important.

“In 10 years nobody’s going to remember what color shoes they wore that day or whether they had pancakes or waffles for breakfast, but your relationship with your child is really important,” says Meaux.

She says to pick your battles. Safety, for example, is not negotiable.  Other things, however, may not be as important.

“I know that they’ll live through this phase -- I just don’t fight it.  It’s inevitable and that’s my job: to teach them to leave me and be independent of me,” says Fran Grice, mother.

Experts suggest that one way to avoid unnecessary conflict is to give even young children a few choices -- enough that they feel some control but not so many that they feel overwhelmed.